Crazy Pain that Makes You Numb

“I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.”
― Jessica Sorensen

 

Sometimes life throws so much at you, that you want to give up. This is a moment in my life that I almost did. It was a crazy time, a chaotic time of life, love, of a loved one dying, of needing help, of doing too much, of other crazy people. I hope in those moments, you have a lifeline that you can grab a hold of, and ask for help.

MDragonwillow Numb
Image by Morgan Dragonwillow

Going without sleep or very little

a job I love but they don’t understand

A woman      is      dying and she begs me to stay

what to do

wish I told the job to          shove it

my body broke down when she died

sicker        than I’d ever been

thought I was          faking

thought I was            looking          for another job

Why? I love what I do

three            pages             of       dressing         down

how taking care of a      dying woman,         hurt my job

hurt.my.job

stunned

I wanted to            die

How could they not understand

fuzz         clouding       my             brain

I wanted to       die          too

what was the point

I took a surgical         blade

I didn’t want to      live           anymore

slumpted against the glass

cigarette in hand

wanting to disappear

numb

fingering the    foil     wrapped    blade in my pocket

wanting this pain

to go away

numb

but I can’t

not         then

not        at        all

I quit the next day

__________________________

 

Prompted from Lisa Reiter’s #BiteSizeMemoir and linked to #OctPoWriMo

*If life is overwhelming and you think you might hurt yourself, please seek help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 24/7 1-800-276-8255

 

PageLines- picture20193.jpgMorgan Dragonwillow: Writing rebel, stress relief explorer, recovering perfectionist, cooking as therapy, poet & author  that (mostly) doesn’t let her fears get in the way of her passion for writing and creating. She is team leader at @StoryDam, creatrix of #OctPoWriMo, and you can find her at, A Poet’s Kitchen, cooking up simply delicious meals. She lives in Marietta, Ga. with her loving and patient partner, their dog that thinks she’s a princess, and the cat that reminds her that she isn’t.
Find her on Google+

 

 

CreateSpace Cover for KdpPurchase Wild Woman Waking Now on Amazon in Paperback and EBook.

“Sometimes poets write what we wish we could say, and they tell us what we need to know. The poems in Wild Woman Waking lead us to a place where we can proudly refuse to be “bent and broken”; instead, they document a journey to self-acceptance, peace, and understanding – where in a community of women, we celebrate and dance as Mud Women. We become women of spirit and keepers of our own keys.” ~Beth Camp

 

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24 thoughts on “Crazy Pain that Makes You Numb

    • It was a very painful time on many levels. I was beyond understanding how anyone couldn’t have compassion when it came to someone dying but I have found people act very strangely around death.

      It has been over twelve years since her passing and every year around this time it is difficult.

      It is something that I want to write a memoir about but not sure if I will have to wait until certain key people are passed or if I will have to write it under a different name.

  1. I believe all of that happened for a reason as your next career has produced lovely results and happiness for you. This is one of those times it shows.

  2. I have forgotten the bite sized memoir… I started with them and then there were a couple prompts that didn’t resonate and now… I need to check them out. They helped birth this awesome bit of poetry. Narrative, confessional and true to life. Thanks for writing and sharing, Morgan. Big hugs!

  3. There’s so much here amid the stupid employer, the terrible sadness and expectations to do as we’re told – Even in the face of ridiculously unfair requests..

    And then, how it affected you..

    All within a constraint of 150 words..

    I’m humbled.

    Thank you for sharing from your soul.

    Love and hugs, Lisa x

  4. I’m sad for your loss and sad that your work didn’t show the understanding that you needed twelve years ago. I’m glad that you came through it and hope that your heart felt poem has not rekindled all those feelings you experienced at that time but rather started a process that allows you to remember without that soul destroying pain. Hugs across cyber space – thanks for sharing

    • Thank you Irene, no it didn’t take me down, it was more like viewing it on a movie screen and puzzling over why they would be how they were. I was too sick (and grieving) at the time to really wonder why.

      Honestly, though this time of year is hard (her diagnosis was in August, her surgery in September, and she passed in December) I feel like I am finally getting to a point that I can begin to be more objective and be able to write down everything that happened during that time.

      The whole experience (and a for a few months after) is something I feel strongly about turning into a memoir to help others during their time of coming to terms with a loved one dying and the grief during and after and treating the dying with respect and dignity. There was so much chaos at every level, so much that could have been handled differently if there was more about treating the dying process in a more sacred way.

      Peace to you.

  5. Painful, but beautifully expressed. I’m reading a book about the writer as cartographer and sometimes we go into these dangerous lands, but come out as a guide for others. This kind of writing, your poetry, has the power to move. May it move you through and help others move through the terrain of grief. Big hugs to you and a big kick to those who couldn’t see what you were suffering. Okay, my tantrum is over. Just, big hugs to you.

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