“living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
Yes, I’ve been gone for a long time. I kind of checked out as I entered a new chapter in my life, singledom. Actually it was probably a combination of things, menopause, single status over 50, living with my daughter and granddaughters and not knowing (not knowing) what the heck I was going to do with the rest of my life.
Over the last several years I forgot everything I learned, I went into a cave and didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or do much of anything except write and doodle. But, when I became single again after over 13 years (even though it was my choice to leave), it threw me even further into chaos and I numbed out with old television series, dark chocolate, and red wine. Not that I was getting drunk, no just a glass and sometimes two.
I had lost hope somewhere along the muddy road and I couldn’t seem to find it. Not that I was trying very hard to find it.
I felt like I was wasting away and even though I knew I needed to do something about it, I just didn’t care.
Hours turned into weeks, turned into days, turned into over a year.
Lost in my own mind unable, unwilling, to find my way out.
A tiny little light of courage told me to get up and go to a women’s healing circle. I hadn’t been in a women’s circle in ages. My skin felt like it was on inside out.
Slowly the light grew within me as I exchanged energy with these loving women until it was my turn to be on the table. My throat closed, my ears prickled, and in a small voice I said, “I’m scared.” They assured me I would be alright, just to relax, it was my turn to receive. To receive. I’d forgotten what that was like.
The facilitator of the group was at my head and she said there was something with my ears.
It was like I hit the ground going g-force as realization went through my whole body.
I didn’t want to hear anymore. I didn’t want to hear I wasn’t a good enough mother, I didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t good enough to do what I love, I didn’t want to hear that I had made so many mistakes, I didn’t want to hear anything anymore. I wailed and wailed as these women worked with me on that table, sending energy from the Divine Universe through me, spoke soothing words to me, and something from deep within, let go.
By the time I got off the table, I was shaken to my core but I knew somewhere inside a major shift had happened.
Over the next couple of weeks, I remembered what I needed, the tools that I had learned came flooding back to me and I started using them again.
- Dancing with my soul in the living room.
- Giving myself Reiki on a daily basis.
- Reading words of comfort, encouragement, and inspiration.
- Working with my crystals and saging daily.
- Free writing to get the words on the page.
- And writing poetry again.
A month went by and I suddenly knew I was ready to start working with clients again. I said out loud to the Universe, “I have table, will travel.” Which meant my massage table and that I really wanted to work with clients again.
The very next day (the very next day!) one of my clients from years ago called me. She told me she remembered that I was the best massage she had ever had. She booked for the next morning.
Okay, Universe. I get it. I just need to have a little trust again, a little faith again, a little hope.
Everything started happening quickly after that. My soul realized I was listening and has been talking to me almost non-stop. The first couple of weeks I didn’t sleep much at all because I was receiving so many instructions on what to do with my creativity and writing and how I can help other women going through similar experiences.
The important thing was that I was taking action on all of it. My soul had stopped talking to me years ago because I wasn’t taking action anymore because I was afraid. I knew what I was suppose to do but I was too afraid to take action. Our souls don’t like it when we ask for its help but we don’t take action regarding what they tell us and stick our head in the sand instead.
The more I took action on what I heard from my soul, the more I began to manifest what I needed. I wanted to begin facilitating workshops again but it had been so long, the Muse Facilitator training practically fell into my lap and I qualified for a partial scholarship.
Right timing was happening everywhere I looked. The Intentional Blog program jumped out in front of me, and then the big one, I qualified to volunteer for the Southeast Wise Woman Herbal Conference in North Carolina, which is something I’ve wanted to attend for over 8 years.
I began to feel the fear of, “when’s the other shoe going to drop and all of this disappears?” And wham, my low back went out. Talk about instantaneous manifestation.
So, I’m breathing, I’m listening, and I’m taking action. I tell my soul not to worry, I’ve got this, I’m not going to let any wall crawl up around me again. Not this time, not ever.
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Morgan Dragonwillow: Indie Author of Dancing within Shadow and Wild Woman Waking. is a Bodywork transformer, dancing poet, motivator of words, magical instigator and creatrix of #OctPoWriMo and #PoetsonthePageYes, you can also find her on Google+
“Sometimes poets write what we wish we could say, and they tell us what we need to know. The poems in Wild Woman Waking lead us to a place where we can proudly refuse to be “bent and broken”; instead, they document a journey to self-acceptance, peace, and understanding – where in a community of women, we celebrate and dance as Mud Women. We become women of spirit and keepers of our own keys.” ~Beth Camp